Legolas' Escape
by Ita istar
Summary: To escape Saruman's grasp, Legolas is transported by Legolas into a modern day girls' prep school. All he knows is that the body he took place of is back in Middle-Earth. Please R&R!
1. In the Dark

Chapter I  
  
In the Dark  
  
Legolas stood bound in chains in a dark dungeon in Middle-Earth. He could barely see anything, even his feet below him seemed to be one with the darkness. His legs could hold him up no longer, they were beginning to falter, but his wrists were chained to the wall to prevent him the luxury of sitting down. He had not slept in days…weeks, perhaps; time had all run together, days felt like weeks, and weeks felt like years…and he could have been standing there for eternity for all he knew. He was on the verge of dozing off, when he heard the voice of Saruman outside his cell. Immediately as he recognized Saruman's voice, he began to thrash out and struggle in his binds; he did not want the enemy to think he had given up. Legolas watched as Saruman entered his room, smiling with pleasure.  
  
"Ah, Legolas, still fighting I see. You know, struggling will not help, instead it will wear our your energy before your time has come. That's right," he smirked, "until the time when I will transform you into an orc. Sounds delightful, doesn't it?" He watched as Legolas labored over his metal chains.  
  
"I will never be your servant, Saruman. I will gladly die before ever surrendering to your command," Legolas spat, his face dirtied with soil, sweat, and tears.  
  
"We shall see about that, Legolas, we shall see…" Saruman motioned to his orc guards before exiting, and they gave Legolas a few cruel blows on his head with the butts of their scimitars to knock him out.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
"Psst!"  
  
Legolas blinked a few times before regaining consciousness. He legs were weak and wobbly, and he could barely support himself. The areas where his handcuffs were on his wrists were red and sore, the skin worn away, leaving fresh sores and blisters.  
  
"Legolas!"  
  
Legolas looked up…the voice came from above.  
  
"Gandalf?" Legolas was amazed, forgetting to whisper. The old wizard had climbed the rafters and was now crouched over the beams on the ceiling.  
  
"Yes, but could you be a bit more discreet? The orcs aren't all that tipsy yet," Gandalf scolded, putting a finger to his lips and climbing agilely (at least for an old wizard) down to the floor.  
  
"Oh, sorry. But what are you doing here? And how did you get in?" Legolas inquired, still in shock.  
  
"Oh you know…a little this and that. First of all, I hired a prostitute to keep Saruman busy and I got a belly dancer to entertain the orcs. They're surprisingly good belly dancers, those orcs…" Gandalf said thoughtfully.  
  
"Yes, that's well and all, but could you help me out here?" asked Legolas, redirecting Gandalf's attention.  
  
"Oh right," Gandalf said, "about you. Well, this news might not be too good, but…I can't get you out," he said apologetically.  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You see, no matter how far we run, we will never be able to escape Saruman, and even light-footed elf that you are, as long as you are with me, he will be after us. Aragorn and I have come up with a plan. We will send you away, and during that time, we will do our best to rid Middle- Earth of Saruman and his orc friends," explained Gandalf.  
  
"Send me away? Where?" asked Legolas, in a panic.  
  
Gandalf got a look of reverie and longing in his eyes as he spoke. "Far, far away…"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Like I said," Gandalf resumed his yearning look, "far, far away…"  
  
"What?"  
  
"No time for questions!" Gandalf snapped, "Haven't you done your research?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Gandalf sighed. "Just shut up and listen. I will send you to another world, where you will become a new person, with a new identity, a new family, a new background, new friends, new possessions—"  
  
"Yeah, okay."  
  
"No interruptions! Like I was saying, I will send you to another world, where you will become a new person, with a new identity, a new family, a new background, new friends, new possessions —"  
  
"Right, but after that…"  
  
"Hush boy! I will send you to another world, where you will become a new person, with a new identity, a new family, a new background, new friends, new possessions, and a whole different life. Saruman will never think to search there. We must get started at once, I think Saruman might be getting bored," Gandalf instructed.  
  
"OK, but when can I come back?" Legolas said, not bothering to hide his reluctance.  
  
"When the time comes, I will call you back to Middle-Earth," said Gandalf.  
  
Legolas argued, "But what if the time never comes?"  
  
Gandalf thought for a moment, his eyes deep in concentration, "Well, then, you're screwed. In fact, we're all screwed."  
  
Hmm… Legolas thought, would I rather be screwed in another world, or in Middle-Earth?  
  
"OK, I'll go."  
  
"Good," Gandalf said, "now, I will take this big stick here, and I'll say a couple of chants, and you will be transported far, far away…"  
  
"Right."  
  
Gandalf took his staff and pointed it at Legolas. He began to mumble a few chants, and the room lit up with a dim glow from the tip of the staff. The glow radiated to Legolas and surrounded him. Legolas began to feel himself fading away as Gandalf began to finish the last chant. All of a sudden, an enormous rodent sped by, and Gandalf's spell was interrupted.  
  
"…rucAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Gandalf shrieked. But then immediately realized that he had messed up the spell, and as he tried to correct it by reversing it so he could start over, he discovered it was too late. Legolas was gone. 


	2. Algebra - First Period

Chapter II  
  
Algebra Class - First Period  
  
Legolas awoke to the bright sunlight shining in on his face. He squinted his eyes as he sat up. He looked around. He seemed to be in a strange room…perhaps it was some sort of convention, or a meeting of sorts. Perhaps a council? One man was standing in front of everybody, waving his hands madly as he scribbled numbers onto a white protrusion from the wall. There were nearly twenty people or so in the room, all sitting at small desks, some were writing things down, others were talking amongst themselves, others were sleeping, or nearly.  
  
Legolas was sitting at a desk, near two other people. They looked like humans…only…weird. They had funny hair, funny clothing—then he looked down. He was wearing the same thing as everyone else! He was wearing a strange plaid skirt, a white collared shirt, white socks, and odd black and white shoes (which were really only half on). He jumped up with a shout. All the other funny human things looked up at him, including the man in front, whom Legolas presumed to be a king of some sort.  
  
"Is there something wrong?" the man asked him.  
  
"Agghhh!!!" Legolas shouted as he stared at the floor, "I'm short, too! Agghhh!!!"  
  
"Jocelyn? Jocelyn?" the man inquired once more.  
  
"It is a tragic day when Legolas Greenleaf, prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil is short!" Legolas cried indignantly.  
  
"Jocelyn?!" the man shouted out of desperation.  
  
Legolas looked up. "Why do you yell, your highness?" He looked around as he heard snickers and loud laughs from around him. Why were they laughing?  
  
"Jocelyn, please sit down."  
  
"What's a 'Jocelyn'?" More laughs, this time it was loud, belly laughter.  
  
"Sit down."  
  
This Legolas understood, so he plopped himself down onto the chair-like desk and began to sulk. The two other people sitting near him were trying to hold in their laughter, one dark-haired girl couldn't manage. She began to laugh loudly and uncontrollably.  
  
Legolas looked at her, cocked his head sideways and asked her, "Why do you laugh?" This only made her laugh more.  
  
"You…" she said between snickers.  
  
He thought she spoke of how he was dressed, so he replied hotly, "I look just as stupid as you, so quiet, commoner!" She only laughed louder.  
  
The "king" looked up at the girl, and she immediately stopped laughing (well, almost immediately).  
  
"Lissette, Jocelyn, please stop talking," he said.  
  
Legolas looked at the girl, her name must have been Jocelyn. So 'Jocelyn' is a name… thought Legolas. Wait! Then I must be Lissette! That's a woman's name! He wanted to jump up again, but he did not want to disturb the king, so he suppressed his panic. He sat in his desk, looking out the window, wanting to scream.  
  
Gandalf said I would be a whole new person…but I didn't know he meant this new… Legolas pondered. All of a sudden he heard the name Lissette called by the king. He immediately hopped up.  
  
"Yes, your majesty!"  
  
The man looked surprised at this response. "Jocelyn, please sit down, and calm down."  
  
Oh… Legolas thought, then I must be Jocelyn. Wait, is that a woman's name or a man's name? I've never heard it before. I supposed it's a man's name then. Gandalf would not have gone so far as to make me a woman! Phew!  
  
The girl sitting across from him looked up at the protrusion from the wall which seemed to be a writing space and spoke a few strange numbers.  
  
"x squared, y to the fourth," she said, pushing her spectacles further up the bridge of her nose.  
  
I'm so glad I don't have glasses, Legolas thought to himself. Then, as he slowly moved his hand up to rub his eyes, he felt some barrier blocking the path to it. What is this? Some sort of force field? Oh, no! Glasses! I have glasses!  
  
Legolas was nearly in a frenzy, he had to grip onto the edge of the table- desk-chair to keep from screaming. Instead, he let out a tiny whimper, but the king heard.  
  
"Jocelyn, perhaps you can tell us the answer? What do you do to find the value of x?" the king asked.  
  
"The value of x?" Legolas said, his eyes opening wide, "um…the value of x is…x. Correct?"  
  
The king looked even more startled. "Well, yes, but I mean, in numbers."  
  
Legolas let his eyes scroll across the writing surface. It was all foreign to him. Strange signs and letters mixed with numbers…it was all so confusing. Perhaps it is their language… he thought.  
  
"5?" Legolas guessed.  
  
"No," the king said, "think about it, what would it be if we wanted to find the square root of the quantity (x-3y)?"  
  
"5?" Legolas guessed again.  
  
"No…"  
  
Okay, Legolas, he thought to himself, enough 5's, have to think of another number…  
  
"35-30!" he shouted triumphantly, proud to have thought of another answer.  
  
"No, that's still five," the king said, growing frustrated.  
  
I have angered the king… Legolas said, becoming frightened.  
  
"Kaitlin?" said the king, giving up on Legolas.  
  
Legolas did not sit down at once, he did not know what a 'Kaitlin' was, or what it meant when he said it. He wasn't sure if it was some sort of command for punishment, or if it was an interjection. He remained standing, unsure of what was going on. Then he heard a voice behind him, he turned, and one of the girls he had been sitting with spoke up. This girl was tall, with shoulder-length blonde hair, and had no spectacles.  
  
"Y is thirty two and after you plug it back into the equation, you can solve it for X and it's…" she looked down to consult her calculator (or what Legolas thought was some sort of animal), "fifty six!" she said.  
  
Legolas sat down and used his excellent elven memory to remember these numbers. So Y is thirty two, and X is fifty six, he thought to himself. Then the king turned to him and asked him if he understood.  
  
Legolas nodded. "Yes, your majesty."  
  
The king gave him a strange look but resumed writing on the "wall." He wrote down another series of numbers and letters and then turned back to the elf.  
  
"Okay, Jocelyn. What are the values of the quantities of X and Y?"  
  
"X is fifty six, and Y is thirty two," he said triumphantly, evidently very pleased with himself.  
  
The king shook his head, "No, look at the problem, Jocelyn."  
  
"No? But you just established that X was fifty six and Y was thirty two, your highness."  
  
"Please stop, Jocelyn. This 'your highness' thing is getting old. And please answer the question."  
  
Legolas was now utterly confused. He thought he had already answered the question, and what did the king mean by " 'your highness' thing is getting old' "? Old?  
  
"But you just said that the answer was fifty six and thirty two…" he said, furrowing his brow in frustration.  
  
"This is a different question," the king explained.  
  
Legolas became panicked. He had no idea what the king was talking about. He looked around him with wide, nervous eyes. What did he mean "different question?" Wasn't it the same question? He was asking for the values of X and Y, and Legolas thought he had given it to him. What a strange place, Legolas thought to himself, they ask the same questions twice. And what kind of questions are these, anyway? Why does the king want to know the values of letters? What kind of council is this?!  
  
"It's the same question," Legolas reasoned finally, forcing his logic onto the others.  
  
The king sighed, "No, look at the problem!" he exclaimed in exasperation and disbelief.  
  
The elf focused as much as he could on the series of numbers and letters (which was pretty much gibberish to him), but he could not see anything. All of a sudden he had an idea. He picked up the nearest calculator to him and stared at it.  
  
The girl looked at this odd creature and came up with the answer, perhaps it will tell me the answer also. He stared at it for thirty seconds, and everybody in the class watched him in silence, like they were observing some animal in a zoo.  
  
Perhaps it's sleeping… Legolas poked at it a few times, and turned it on, though he thought he had awoken this "creature." Ah! It awakes!  
  
The calculator screen was blank, so Legolas poked the calculator a few more times, hitting several random keys. He did not realize that everyone was focusing intently on him, amazed at his…weirdness. He had hit the buttons for the numbers five and six, and fifty six came onto the screen.  
  
"Ah!" he shouted out loud, "success! I have proved myself correct. The answer is fifty-six, he told me so!" He pointed to the calculator.  
  
The king put his head in his hands in despair. "Jocelyn, sit down," he begged, "please."  
  
Legolas' pride was hurt, unable to control it any longer, he shouted out indignantly. "The answer is thirty-two and fifty-six! You told me so yourself, and then this…funny looking…creature confirmed it!"  
  
"Jocelyn!" the king yelled, "either sit down or leave the room!"  
  
"Why do you tell me the answer is thirty-two and fifty-six and then change your mind? How can X and Y have so many values? Why? Tell me! The sea is blue, grass is green, X is fifty-six, and Y is thirty-two! That's it! Why are you trying to confuse everybody?" Legolas was fuming.  
  
"Please leave the room," the king said, finally losing all patience.  
  
Legolas' face was hot as he spoke, "Fine. I know what you're up to. You're one of Saruman's conspirators! You're trying to confuse and hypnotize everyone!"  
  
"Jocelyn!"  
  
"I'm going, I'm going!" And then turning to the rest of the people, he said, "Don't believe him! He's evil!"  
  
"For the last time, Jocelyn, leave the room or I will send you to Dr. Carey!"  
  
"Don't say I didn't warn you!" he reprimanded the others, and then to the king he said sharply, "I'm watching you." Then with a quick huff, he stomped towards the door. Without another look at the rest of the people, he stormed indignantly out. He didn't hear (or chose not to hear) the incessant laughter as the door was closing behind him.  
  
Once he was out, his confusion didn't cease. He was in a long corridor full of big doors and odd thin doors (lockers, but he didn't know that). What is this madness? he thought, Where am I? After a few moments of wandering up and down the halls, he figured it must have been a kingdom of some sort.  
  
I'd better remember where I came from, so I can return later, even though I don't think that the king will gladly reprove my untimely exile. He looked at the door from which he had just come from. On it, it stated the numbers "205." It must be the name of the city. I'd better keep it in mind. He took a deep breath and exhaled. Not knowing where to go, he went to the right, towards the computer lab. The computer lab's door was the only door open, so he gladly stepped inside, eager for some guidance.  
  
Of course, you must remember that Legolas had never seen a computer, and even with a machine as simple as the calculator, he was completely baffled. So you can imagine his wonderment when he saw a room filled with what he thought were "big animals." Most of the big animals were occupied, so he looked around for an free chair. Finding one, he sat down. The big animal in front of him was "asleep," so he poked it a couple of times and it woke up. He saw the other people put their hands on a strange tail-like thing protruding from the main bodice of the animal. He placed his hand on it as well. He then observed one girl putting a floppy disk into the hard drive, and his bafflement decreased.  
  
It must be a food source of some kind. Perhaps they are feeding them? He looked around for something and saw a CD next to the keyboard (he thought the keys were the eyes of the animals, so you can understand his amazement when he saw people poking at the animal's eyes). Picking it up, he examined it thoroughly. Looks like a biscuit. Maybe it likes biscuits?  
  
He tried to fit it inside the hard drive, but it wouldn't fit of course, so he broke it up into little pieces and "fed" them into the hard drive. There was a lot of shoving and pushing involved, but he finally got all the pieces inside. The screen of the monitor blinked several times, but then resumed its original state. Legolas, believing he had done the right thing, gave the monitor several pats on top of it, as if it was a dog.  
  
It might be thirsty, he thought, after all, it just finished a meal. So he walked around looking for something to give to the computer-animal. He asked the girl next to him if she had something to drink, and she nodded suspiciously.  
  
"What for?" she asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
"Can I borrow it for a second? Just really quickly, I only need a little bit," seeing her hesitation, he added, "it will take but a few moments. I won't use a lot."  
  
She gave him a bottle of clear liquid. He untwisted the cap and sniffed at it, she watched him distrustfully. It smelled fizzy and sweet. He did not question her of the substance, he figured it was part of the diet of the computer-animal.  
  
Legolas tilted the computer onto its back…or at least tried. He realized that his former strong elven muscles had wasted away to puny ones. He had trouble picking it up, but eventually he got it on its back. Then, pushing the flap of the hard drive open, he slowly poured the fizzy liquid into it. A split second later, he heard a shout from the girl next to him.  
  
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" she shouted in disbelief.  
  
"I'm fee-" he began, but he was cut off by strange crackling sounds coming from the computer. "Is it…supposed to do that?"  
  
"No!" the girl said. People had begun to crowd around the sizzling computer in an entertained crowd.  
  
All of a sudden, a lady stepped into the room, and seeing the crowd, demanded to know what had occurred. She had some problems being heard, but finally by the time she pushed through, she had already seen for herself. Legolas, scared and panicked, sneaked out in the clamor unseen, and left the crowd of girls huddling and shouting around the computer. He would let the other girl explain it all.  
  
Well, how was I supposed to know it was going to get sick? he said, taking the blame for none of it whatsoever. As he was walking down to the other end of the corridor, he heard a low buzzing sound (which was the bell to signify the ending of first period), and almost immediately after, girls began scurrying out of the rooms. He noticed that most of them went straight off to what he thought were their houses (actually lockers) and placed their possessions inside. All of a sudden, he heard a loud yell from across the hall.  
  
"JOBAS!" the voice shouted. Suddenly, someone jumped on him. He nearly fell down, even his elven balance had not prepared him for so violent an attack. He immediately regained his composition and got into a defending position, reading to ward off any blows.  
  
The person who had jumped on him was a girl of about his height, with long, platinum blonde hair. She laughed. "Jobas, what are you doing?"  
  
At the sight of her hair, Legolas let down his guard. She has the hair of an elf…is she an elf? he thought to himself. "Are you an elf?"  
  
She laughed. "Ha! I wish. Come on, I have to show you the next chapter I wrote in my story!" she said, dragging him to her "house." She opened it and pulled a few sheets of paper out and handed them to him. "Read!" she commanded.  
  
"Who are you?" he inquired, not quite tuned in to the fact she had just demanded he read her story.  
  
"An Alex, what are you?" she said.  
  
"Do I sense sarcasm?" he asked, his pride had already been hurt today, he was not going to let some common villager put him down.  
  
"Aren't we bright?" she replied.  
  
"Do I sense more sarcasm?"  
  
"Wow, Jocelyn! You're just with it, today, aren't you?"  
  
"With what?"  
  
She laughed hysterically, but Legolas didn't see what was so funny. He blinked three times in rapid succession and continued staring at her.  
  
"Come on," she said, "let's go get Lissette."  
  
Lissette! he thought, I know who she is. But who is she? What's an 'Alex?' He threw a glance at the girl next to him.  
  
She dragged him through the crowded hall to Lissette's house (locker). He recognized her as the girl with the dark hair who would not stop laughing at him.  
  
"Jocelyn!" she said as she saw him, "What was going on with you today?"  
  
Legolas' sense of pride was instilled once more in him. "Nothing, nothing at all. I just didn't agree with what the king was saying. I didn't understand all his values and X's and Y's and numbers."  
  
"Like anybody does?" Lissette laughed, "Still, what did you have for breakfast? You were so completely insane!"  
  
Breakfast… Legolas pondered. He had not had anything to eat in days, and the thought of a good elven breakfast made him even hungrier. "Nothing…I didn't have anything to eat."  
  
"Whatever…" Lissette said.  
  
Alex looked at Legolas and Lissette strangely, "What did she do?"  
  
Lissette explained the whole thing, and Legolas clung onto the last shred of dignity he had bitterly. Every once in a while he interrupted with a few phrases, but that only made the two girls laugh even harder. He followed the two of them into the bathroom.  
  
They were still laughing the whole time, and Legolas could not help but feel a little bit embarrassed. He remained standing next to a sink, playing with the funny knobs, watching in silent curiosity as water rushed out of the faucet as he twisted one of them. He turned around to find himself facing a mirror. He gaped in incredulity.  
  
"So I am a girl?" he could not help but exclaim. Alex, who was waiting not too far away in the other corner of the restroom laughed as she stepped next to him so her own reflection appeared next to his.  
  
"Well, I thought we had already established that, but of course I could be wrong," she said. She watched as Legolas walked up close and close to the mirror, opened his mouth, and examined his teeth.  
  
"Wha…err…deez?" he asked, pulling his lips wide open to get a better look at the braces on his teeth.  
  
Lissette laughed as she stepped out from a bathroom stall. "You've had them for a while, Jocelyn."  
  
"Agghh!" he let out a frustrated groan as he picked at them with his fingernail.  
  
"Those…are…braaaaces," Alex explained slowly, as if to a little child, "I…have…them…too."  
  
But Legolas was not listening, he was too engrossed with his own problems as he let out a helpless cry. "They're not coming off! Agghh!" He kept pulling, but as he pulled, he felt it yank on his teeth, and the pain was annoying and made him want them off even more, so he pulled harder. Finally, he gave up. "It's hopeless!"  
  
"Calm down," Lissette advised.  
  
"Calm down? Calm down?!" he shouted, "I've got things invading my teeth!"  
  
Alex and Lissette became worried. "Jocelyn," Alex began, "are you sure you're okay? You've been acting pretty weird lately. And you haven't even read my story!"  
  
Legolas couldn't take it anymore. He took off his right shoe which had not been completely on his foot and threw it across the restroom door. At that exact moment as he was letting go of the shoe, a short-haired, blonde lady walked through, and the shoe missed her face by an inch. Lissette and Alex immediately turned around and hid their face towards the wall, trying not to laugh. Legolas remained sulking in the corner.  
  
"Shoes!" the lady started, "I mean, Jocelyn! What have I told you about your shoes! I'm sick of telling you about them! Next time I see you without them on, I'm reporting you individually to Dr. Carey and we'll call your parents. I don't want to see you walking on the heels of them one more time!" She pointed an accusing finger at Legolas.  
  
"Wha-what?" he stammered, "this was the way my shoes were on when Gandalf sent me here!"  
  
"What?" It was the lady's turn to be confused.  
  
"They were already this way when I got here."  
  
"Exactly, so I want you to put them on correctly next time!" Her stern face was almost more than Legolas could stand.  
  
She disappeared into one of the stalls and Legolas hurried out of the room, Lissette and Alex following close behind. Once the two girls had left the restroom, they began to laugh hysterically.  
  
"I don't get it. This place is just so strange." Legolas wondered out loud.  
  
Lissette pointed to his shoes. "Jocelyn, you might want to put your shoes on. She'll might see you again."  
  
Legolas sulked down and pulled the heels of his shoes up. The halls were empty now, almost everybody was at advisory/homeroom, and the three of them were alone.  
  
All of a sudden, a short lady with short gray hair appeared from the corner. She looked at the three of them and smiled. "Hi, girls. Hi, Alex, hi, Lissette, hi…uh…what's your name again? Sorry, I'm bad with names."  
  
"I am Leg—Jocelyn, of 205," Legolas replied, hurriedly correcting his mistake.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Hi, Jocelyn! Shouldn't you girls be in advisory?" she asked.  
  
"We're just going," Alex said quickly. Then when the lady had left down the hall, she grinned at Legolas. "Were you about to say 'Legolas?' Freak…"  
  
Lissette laughed. "And what was with the 'of 205' part?"  
  
"I'm from 205. And so are you," he added thoughtfully. "Wait!" he exclaimed, "did you say, Legolas?"  
  
"Yeah," Alex said, "so?"  
  
"How do you know Legolas?"  
  
"How do you know Frodo?" Alex asked sarcastically.  
  
"You know Frodo?"  
  
"God!" Alex exclaimed, "What's wrong with you?"  
  
"How did you hear about Frodo and Legolas?" Legolas asked, suspicious of her knowledge.  
  
"It's called Lord of the Rings…" Lissette said slowly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nevermind!" Alex said, amazed at Jocelyn's sudden accumulation of stupidity. 


	3. Lunch!!! (and its consequences)

Chapter III  
  
Lunch!!! (and its consequences)  
  
Second period passed just as slowly. Legolas had some trouble finding out where to go. He just followed Lissette and Alex around like an abandoned dog until they finally told him he had to go to English class. He did not understand, so they took the trouble to actually escort him to his locker to get his books and then to the English classroom. He was quite amazed at his locker-house when he got there.  
  
"So…this is my house?" he asked.  
  
"Your locker," Lissette said matter-of-factly.  
  
"Loc-ker."  
  
"Yes."  
  
He was extremely shocked to find a large picture of himself hanging on the wall of his "loc-ker," but he said nothing. He had already figured out not to question anything in this strange single-sex world (it's actually an all- girl school, but he didn't know any better), where letters could equal numbers, where cities were given identification numbers instead of names, where you could be an 'Alex,' where animals exploded and sizzled when you fed them the wrong food, and where ladies yelled at you because they didn't like the way you wore your shoes.  
  
"Now," Alex said, "you have English, so get your English books." The last thing she was going to do was be the servant to a formerly semi-self- sufficient friend.  
  
Legolas stared blankly into his house-locker. He thought it was rather small. He tried to picture himself squishing himself into the small space which was already mostly filled up with loose papers, pictures, and books.  
  
Lissette sighed. "I'll get it." She reached down and grabbed his supplies for English. She threw Alex an aggravated look as she closed the door of Legolas' locker-house.  
  
They escorted him to room 204, but he immediately resisted. "But I am of 205, not 204!"  
  
"Look!" Alex shouted, desperation mounting in her, "You are, as of now, of room 204. Now, stay in there, and do as Mrs. Snow says!"  
  
"Jocelyn, this really isn't funny anymore, we have to get to class. Stop it." Lissette's face grew serious. Legolas was confused, he had done nothing wrong in his eyes.  
  
"But—" he started, but it was too late, the Lissette opened the door to room 204 and Alex shoved Legolas inside.  
  
Once Legolas was inside, he saw several large, round tables spread out around the room, and another writing space at the front of the room. A girl waved to him and shouted out, "Hey, Jocey!" When she evoked no response out of him, she came up to him.  
  
I guess my name is Jocey as well. Let's see, I've been called Jocelyn, Jobas, Shoes, and Jocey…I've got to remember these. I must have several name, Legolas silently thought. He followed the girl to the table. Another girl, this one had brown hair, greeted her, "Hey, Jocey Posse!"  
  
Posse?  
  
"Hello," Legolas glanced at her binder and read her name, "Cathy Beatty." He pronounced it quite badly and it came out sounding like this, "Cat-hye Be-ya-tye." She threw him a strange look but laughed it off.  
  
"Okay, girls!" Mrs. Snow said to get their attention. Legolas had to get used to being called a girl. "Let's get out our grammar homework and we'll check it."  
  
Legolas looked at the other girls. They had opened their green book and were flipping through the pages. He took his book and imitated them. He flipped the pages, but he didn't know why. He flipped to the end of the book, and then flipped back to the front.  
  
"Page 452," the girl named Kaitlin said, "good one, Jocelyn." She laughed.  
  
Why are they always laughing at me? he asked himself.  
  
He turned to page 452 and looked at the it. It meant nothing to him. Commas, apostrophes, semicolons, colons, parentheses…Oh no, he thought, will this be like earlier today? Worse.  
  
"Um…Jocelyn. Number one," Mrs. Snow said.  
  
Legolas turned to face her, his face blank.  
  
"X," he said, guessing blindly relying on the former experiences in first period. Everyone laughed. Even Mrs. Snow laughed, she thought he had been joking…but he wasn't.  
  
"Okay, Jocelyn. Do number one, just read the sentence and say where you put in the semicolons," she instructed again.  
  
"Right," he said nervously, "John has lived in Dallas, Texas; Albany, New York; and Tallahassee, Florida."  
  
"Uh huh," Mrs. Snow nodded, "now, where would you put the semicolons?"  
  
Legolas had no idea what a semicolon was. "Um…after John?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Before John?"  
  
"Think about it. What is the rule for semicolons when there is a series in a sentence?" she said patiently.  
  
Her patience encouraged Legolas a little bit, but her hint had had no effect whatsoever on him. "After Florida?"  
  
"That's the end of the sentence."  
  
"Oh," he said, having no idea why that would matter.  
  
"After Dallas?"  
  
"Close, but no. What's the rule?" she asked.  
  
"Fifty-six?"  
  
"No," she couldn't help feeling frustrated with his cluelessness, "that's a number."  
  
"Texas?"  
  
"Right! Good job, Jocelyn," she commended, "now, can you tell me why?"  
  
Legolas was back where he started. He hung his head and put his hands on the back of his neck and sighed. "Um…because you need to find the square root of the quantity of (x-3)?"  
  
This continued for the rest of the period, there was a lot of laughing, whispering, and rumor-spreading as Mrs. Snow made futile attempts to try to explain to him the purpose of a semicolon.  
  
"But…why would you use it?" he asked, failing to see the purpose in such a seemingly useless thing.  
  
"For clarification," she answered.  
  
"It's so…pointless. Why not just use two sentences?"  
  
"Hey, I didn't make it up, I'm just teaching it. Now please, try to concentrate," her patience was wearing thing.  
  
Legolas did not want to make her angry. She much more tolerant and he did not want to take advantage of that by being rash. But as they moved on to their poetry homework, he did not see any improvement whatsoever. As they read the poem, "A Dream Deferred," by Langston Hughes, he became utterly flustered. The class leapt into a focused discussion on the meaning of the poem, and Legolas sat quietly. He thought it a rather bad poem…if it was a poem at all. With occasional rhyming words, it seemed to skip from thought to thought, random compilations of rhyming phrases. And when Mrs. Snow asked him his thoughts on the meaning of the last line, he was at a loss.  
  
"Um," he read the last line again. It read, "Or does it explode?" He didn't understand. Why would it explode? And why was it in italics? He blinked a few times to wake himself up, and said, "It's deeper meaning is that a dream deferred may destroy itself and therefore cease to exist, except for little pieces of it which cannot be repaired back together."  
  
To his amazement, she nodded. "Hmm…interesting view. Devon?"  
  
He sighed in relief. For the first time today, he seemed to have done something right. He turned to look at the girl who was speaking, apparently her name was Devon. She had tan skin and brown hair and sat at the other end of the room. She seems nice, he thought. He made mental notes about all the girls who seemed to regard him as a friend or were friendly. He saw the strawberry blonde girl sitting across from him write her name around a sheet of paper. Laura… he repeated in his head, I supposed that's her name.  
  
That was the last thing he thought before the bell rang (actually a buzzer which makes a dull droning sound, but bell makes more sense). Legolas saw a few girls copying words off the writing space onto their planner, and he did so as well. He didn't know what they were writing, so he wrote a bunch of random things on his planner, scribbling along the edges of the pages. The girl named Cathy turned to him in amusement.  
  
"Having fun?" she asked.  
  
He looked up, and not knowing what she meant, nodded. As other began to leave, he picked up his books and left as well. He didn't know which books were his, so he picked up a bunch of other books along with his. He went to his locker-house and opened it, still not able to get over the fact that it was decorated with pictures of him. He stuffed his (and other people's)books inside, shoving them so they would all fit. He heard a voice behind him.  
  
"Jocelyn!" Alex shouted.  
  
"Good morning, Alex," Legolas replied.  
  
"Whatever, let's go to lunch."  
  
The thought of food made his stomach pain with hunger. "All right. What is there?"  
  
"Let's go check."  
  
Spaghetti? he wondered as his eyes scanned over the lunch menu list hanging on the middle school bulletin board. "Spag-hetti?" he asked Alex.  
  
"Whatever you say, Jocelyn, whatever you say," she said, her confusion growing.  
  
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, there came a loud shout. "Pasghetti! Pasghetti!"  
  
Alex turned to face Jocelyn, "Uh oh…I forgot…"  
  
Lissette jumped out from behind the two with another shout. "PASGHETTI!!"  
  
Pasghetti?  
  
Legolas' former impression of Lissette faded as he saw another side of her. She danced around energetically with her occasional chant of "pasghetti!"  
  
Legolas watched intently as she did this and joined in, dancing and chanting. He thought it might have been some type of lunch ritual. A couple of girls came up and stared at them. Lissette stopped and began laughing unstoppably. Legolas stopped also, but did not laugh.  
  
He recognized one of the girls, it was Devon. The other girl he did not recognize though. She was shorter than the others and had black hair. He later figured out her name was Angela. What strange names… he thought.  
  
"What are you guys doing?" Devon asked, determined to keep her temper.  
  
"Pasghetti!" Lissette shouted as if that explained it all. Apparently it did, for neither Devon nor Angela asked any more questions. Legolas remained silent.  
  
They waited for another fifteen minutes before entering the lunch room. Legolas was surprised to see so many girls congregated at once…eating. They were all shouting and yelling, or in the words of the elves, "merrymaking." He glanced at the strange foods on their plates and resolved not to try any of it except for the very basic foods which he recognized.  
  
There's no knowing what types of garbage they consume…these "humans." I'm beginning to have my doubts. What strange humans. Wait until I tell Aragorn… he stopped. Thinking of Aragorn made him a little homesick. He missed the normality of Middle-Earth. Everything here was crazy and it was as if the entire world had been turned over. The people were so strange, with their uniform clothes, and their strange rules, and strange questions. Not to mention the food.  
  
As he filed into the lunch line, he glanced in wonder as Lissette put a plate of this "spaghetti," or spag-hetti as Legolas pronounced it, onto her tray. He picked up a tray also but passed by the spaghetti without picking up any. He also passed by the mushy-looking apple cobbler and the pee- colored lemonade. His eyes widened as he passed the salad bar. Finally, something he recognized.  
  
He hurriedly ran over to the salad bar with his tray. His picked up the oversized tweezer thingies and began picking at the lettuce, but he could not get a hold of it, unaccustomed to the strange new utensils. He threw it down, and hands first, dug into the pile of salad. He shoved it onto his tray, oblivious to the small plates they had available for salad. For decoration, he put a few tomatoes and eggs on one side, and for symmetry, he put several cheese blocks on the other side. Finally, with this strange assortment of foods heaped on his tray, he went to sit down.  
  
Not realizing there were separate sections of the cafeteria for different grades, Legolas sat down at the closest table to him…the teacher table. The teachers eyed him with frightened curiosity as he appeared with his lettuce- tomato-egg-cheese filled tray and sat down next to them.  
  
"Uh, Jocelyn?" Mrs. Cunningham, the history teacher, "Are you sure you don't want a plate…or something?"  
  
Legolas looked up and said, "I've got one," pointing to the red tray.  
  
"I meant a plate."  
  
"I've got one," Legolas repeated. Then, seeing the forks, he immediately recognized them, and grabbed one. Without hesitation, he began to attack his food. He did his best to remember his refined elven manners, but having had nothing to eat in the past week or so, he had some trouble not eating too quickly.  
  
"Don't you want to sit with your friends?" Mrs. Larsen, the other Algebra teacher, asked.  
  
"Friends?" he said, his voice was muffled because his mouth was full of salad. Then, swallowing the food, he asked more clearly, "Friends?" He was not sure who his friends were supposed to be.  
  
"You know," she began, "your friends?" She was hoping he'd get the hint.  
  
Legolas was no idiot, he knew that he somehow was not wanted, but was stubborn. "Why can't I sit here?"  
  
"Well, you might want to sit with people your own age," Mrs. Cunningham reasoned.  
  
"My own age?" he laughed, "My own age? I am nearly 3,000 years old, and I think I am right in presuming that I am closer in age to you than to the human children?"  
  
Everyone in the table stared at him, not knowing whether to laugh or be worried. They chose the latter. "Jocelyn, you are not 3,000 years old," Mrs. Larsen said.  
  
"Why not? I said so, and I think I know how old I am."  
  
The teachers began to whisper to one another in concern. Finally, Mrs. Larsen spoke up, "Are you feeling all right?"  
  
"Feeling better than I have in weeks!" he said as he continued filling his mouth with as much food as it could fit.  
  
"Okay, if you say so…perhaps you would like to see the nurse?" Mrs. Cunningham asked.  
  
"I'm—" he did not have a chance to finish his sentence, for Alex pulled him away from his chair.  
  
"Jocelyn, what the FUCK(!!!!) do you think you're doing?" she said with clenched teeth.  
  
"I'm eating," he took this opportunity to chew and swallow what was in his mouth.  
  
"No, you're not. You're making a complete asshole out of yourself!" argued Alex.  
  
"I'm eating."  
  
"What is wrong with you? Jesus! It's like you got hit in the head with a fucking bowling ball. You've gone absolutely crazy!"  
  
"I'm eating?" he said sheepishly.  
  
"Whatever, get your tray. You're coming with me." She waited for him to get his tray and then dragged him to the table where she, Lissette, Devon, Angela, and a few more strangers were sitting. "Jocelyn, I don't know what's wrong with you, but you seriously need to stop. Okay?"  
  
Legolas had no idea what he had been doing that was so wrong. True, he admit he had been a little impudent with the teachers, but he felt as if they had deserved it. "Okay," he lied so she would stop reprimanding him. He figured he would keep his mouth shut for the rest of the time until he could figure out how this strange world operated.  
  
He ate silently, filling himself up with salad. He did not notice the strange looks people were throwing at him. Devon was about to ask something but then decided against it.  
  
Suddenly, a voice was projected around the room from the microphone where a girl was standing behind. "May I have your attention please?" the girl asked. She had a raspy voice, and it shocked Legolas to hear it so loudly.  
  
The cafeteria slowly became silent. Then, she began to speak, about what, Legolas had the foggiest idea about. Something about study hall and about after-school sports. Then he heard the words, "Let us pray." Everyone lowered their heads (almost everybody, Alex remained picking at her food) and listened.  
  
"God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food."  
  
"What?" Legolas asked, unaware that the rest of the cafeteria was silent except for him. His voice sounded loudly around the room and captured the attention of nearly everybody. Alex clamped a hand around his mouth and shushed him.  
  
"Shut up, bitch!" she whispered, "Abbo (a high school teacher)will be here in a second and tear you apart. Just get under the table." She shoved him underneath the table as a stout man came strutting close by. Legolas remained underneath the table as he saw the thick pair of legs next to him.  
  
"Who said that?" he demanded, "Who was that?"  
  
No one said anything. "I think it was a seventh grader," said Angela, her voice shaking.  
  
"Who was it?!" he shouted, unaware that he had caught the attention of everybody in the cafeteria, even the lunch ladies.  
  
Again, everyone at the table was silent. None of them wanted to face his anger.  
  
"Seventh g-grader…" Lissette began.  
  
Abbo pounded his fist on the table, making the silverware rattle. "Don't try to lie to me."  
  
Legolas was fuming underneath the table. It was a simple mistake, why did this "Abbo" have to be so angry anyway?  
  
"If you don't tell me now, I'm going to make sure you all get punished, severely," he threatened, his voice was grave. "Who ever did it, speak up NOW!!"  
  
No one replied, so he pointed to a girl named Sarah. "It was you, wasn't it?" When she shook her head vehemently in fear, he pointed an accusing finger to someone else. "Was it you?" he asked.  
  
Legolas could not bear it any longer. He couldn't listen as this man bellowed out at the girls above. He jumped out from underneath the table.  
  
"It was I!" he shouted nobly.  
  
"What were you doing down there?" Abbo yelled, though he knew the answer.  
  
"I was hiding, but I know now that you are evil, and I will not watch as you punish my friends for something so small and insignificant as 'what!' So stand ready, and face me like a man!" Legolas challenged. He positioned himself, ready to attack. Abbo looked at him like he was crazy.  
  
"Sit down! What's your name?"  
  
"Jocelyn," Legolas didn't sit down.  
  
"Jocelyn what?"  
  
Legolas was silent. He didn't know. But before he had a chance to answer at all, Abbo pushed him down into his seat. Legolas hopped back up again.  
  
"Do not touch me! I am royalty!" he commanded.  
  
"I don't care if you're the King of England, you were disrespectful, and you are being disrespectful right now," Abbo said, "you're serving a detention with me today, until ten o'clock! I'm calling your parents right now!"  
  
The cafeteria was filled with gasps.  
  
"At night?" Devon asked, surprised.  
  
"She has lacrosse practice," a girl with brown curly hair named Rome (Legolas later found out) pointed out.  
  
"Shut up you two, or you're getting a detention, too," he warned.  
  
"I am serving nothing to you!" Legolas said, misapprehending the meaning of "serving a detention." "You can't force me to do anything!"  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Legolas found himself sitting in detention later that day. He was sitting at a desk, drumming his fingers on the surface of the table, humming to himself. This isn't so bad, he thought, at least it's quiet. And nobody's asking me questions. The man called Abbo was not present at the moment, but he threatened Legolas within an inch of his life if he even attempted to leave. Besides, Legolas had a funny feeling Abbo was waiting for him just outside the door. He sat for another hour.  
  
At last, he was unable to contain it any longer. He stood up. Since no lightning came to strike him down to the ground, he figured it was acceptable if he at least wandered around the room. This is when he discovered the magic of the radio.  
  
Picking up and examining things ever once in a while, he made his way around the room. He played with beakers, glass rods, and scales. All of a sudden, something caught his eye. It was a black rectangular shape with many buttons and a long antennae stretching out from it. Legolas approached it warily, poking it a couple of times before determining it was safe to come within contact of it. He walked up to it, and poked it, turning it on. He heard a loud static noise coming from the speaker, and he jumped back.  
  
"Shh! Shhhh!" he shushed the strange black box. He put his hands around it, hoping to muffle the noise, but as he did so, he pushed a few more buttons, turning it onto the radio. Once again, he jumped back. He slapped it in attempt to make it shut up.  
  
"Be quiet, stupid creature!" he hit it numerous times. He slapped a few more buttons and the radio switched to a station which had classical music on it. Legolas, not surprised anymore, but instead calmed by the violin concerto, approached the box again. Now amazed, he poked it again, and it switched radio stations once more. After a few times, he figured out that the more times he poked the box, the more times it changed sounds. He poked until he found a sound that he liked.  
  
When Abbo returned, he found Legolas head-banging to some heavy metal music. He tried to shout to get himself heard, but Legolas did not hear or see him. Abbo walked up and turned off the music. Legolas turned around. "What?" he said insolently.  
  
"It's ten o'clock. You can go," he said, "you're parents are outside waiting for you."  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Legolas walked around the school, not knowing where to go. He was lost. He couldn't find his locker-house, and he didn't know where he could go for help. The place seemed to be asleep, barely any lights were on, and he couldn't find a single person. The last thing he wanted to do was to go back to Abbo and tell him he couldn't find his locker-house.  
  
All of a sudden, a young boy came out of the shadows.  
  
"Jocelyn!" the boy said, "it's ten thirty. I thought your detention was over at ten."  
  
Legolas shrugged. He didn't know why this boy was talking to him. "Do you know where my loc-ker is?"  
  
"You'd better hurry," the boy ignored his question, "dad is really mad already."  
  
"Dad?" Legolas asked, more to himself than to the boy.  
  
"Yeah, he's in the car," the boy said, "we've got to go."  
  
"Car?"  
  
"Yeah! Let's go!" and with that, the boy grabbed Legolas' (or Jocelyn's, actually)hair and pulled him towards the door.  
  
"Let go of me, you hobbit!" Legolas shouted, kicking and screaming. He tried to fight off the boy, but the more he fought, the harder the boy yanked on his hair.  
  
"Shut up, Jocelyn."  
  
"Let go, you hairy-footed hobbit! I never liked you hobbits, with your messy hair and short legs!" he shouted.  
  
The boy yanked even harder on Legolas' hair. "Don't talk about the hair," he said possessively.  
  
So, fighting and struggling, the boy managed to pull Legolas all the way to the car. Once his dad saw Legolas kicking and screaming, he came out to help the boy shove him into the car. Legolas wished dearly for his strong elven muscles once more, but found out he was still the owner of the small, adolescent body.  
  
The second he was in the car, the man and the boy immediately strapped him down with the seat belt. Not knowing how the seat belt worked, Legolas was not able to free himself of it, but instead pulled and tugged at it the entire ride. The minute the car left, the man began to yell at Legolas.  
  
"What were you thinking? I can't believe you got a detention! Jocelyn, what's the matter with you? I'm going to pull you from Hockaday if you don't shape up. You think I'm kidding? I'm very serious, I will take you and home-school you. You don't understand how long I'm going to ground you for this. No TV, no Internet, no phone calls, no friends, no anything, until further notice. I was always too lenient with you, now I have to shape you up. If you mess up one more time, it's over. Understand? I'll send you to Taiwan to live with your relatives, show you what it's really like. Maybe you'll learn a lesson or two," the man yelled.  
  
Legolas was not listening, he didn't even realize the man was talking. He kept yanking and wrenching at his seat belt, trying to get it off of him, but in vain. He realized that it was no use. His efforts were futile. 


	4. Ancient History - Fifth Period

Chapter IV  
  
Ancient History - Fifth Period  
  
As the car pulled into the garage, Legolas sat sulking and staring at his feet, giving an occasional tug or two on the seat belt, hoping his perseverance would make the elastic band relent its restrictive grasp. He was too despaired to pay attention to his captor's speech.  
  
"Okay, Jocelyn, get out. Take a shower, go to bed, it's late," said the abductor, giving up his admonishment.  
  
Legolas looked at the man uncomprehendingly, and though the man did not laugh, the strange hobbit-boy could. Legolas had tangled himself in his seat belt; somehow his leg had gotten over the strap, and he had it twisted several times around his torso, and one or two times around his arm.  
  
The man gave a great sigh. "Jocelyn, sometimes I worry about you," and with those words, he left her and went inside, leaving the garage light on in case she changed her mind.  
  
The hobbit-boy laughed. "You're stupid," he said.  
  
"And you are the most absolutely abominable and foul hobbit that ever walked across my path!" spat Legolas. His voice was muffled because the strap of the seat belt had just slid over his mouth and he was too tangled to get it out of his face.  
  
The boy blinked. Then he began laughing again. "You're stupid."  
  
Legolas gave a growl and tried to pitch himself at the hobbit-boy, but only succeeded in nearly choking himself. "Of course you dare mock me in my arrest, but when I am out of these binds, you will rue the day I ever lay eyes on you, you revolting creature! I never liked hobbits, you are no exception, shrimp!" He took his free leg and tried to reach over and push the hobbit-boy out of his way, but the boy jumped out of the way in time.  
  
The boy's amusement had grown into fear. "You're scary."  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!" Legolas bellowed in frustration. "Get away!" he exclaimed in his fury, "Depart!"  
  
The boy began running, only looking back a few times to make sure Legolas was not really chasing after him. "Mooommmmm!!! Daaaaddddd??!!!"  
  
Legolas would have smiled at himself for such a victory, but he was too exhausted. Leaning his head against the window, he fell asleep.  
  
* * * * * *  
  
"Oh my God," a woman exclaimed. "Jocelyn? Jocelyn! Get up!"  
  
Legolas gave a low grumble and fluttered his eyelids. "Oh…my eyes…"  
  
"Have you been here all night?" the woman asked.  
  
"I suppose…is it dawn yet?"  
  
"It's 7:30! I was already sleeping when you came home, I didn't realize you were sleeping in the car!" she exclaimed. Legolas thought her rather annoying.  
  
"Oh, it's a rather interesting experience, sleeping with your eyes closed, for I usually sleep with them open, being an elf and all…" he said matter- of-factly.  
  
"Good Lord, you've really not had enough sleep. And why are you like this? What did you do? Get into a fight with the seat belt?" she looked at him incredulously.  
  
"Seat-belt?"  
  
She sighed. Then she reached over and untangled him from the belt straps. "I really don't think you got enough sleep. Do you feel up to going to school today?"  
  
"Schoooool?"  
  
"Maybe you'd better remain at home, you look kind of pale."  
  
"Yes! Take me home! Take me back!" shouted Legolas.  
  
"So you want to stay here for today, get some rest?"  
  
"No! We must depart immediately! I must return!" he commanded, he sounded like he was leading an army. "Who knows what decisions they shall need me to make today at the council?" he reasoned, and the lady was even more confused. "But, first things first, I must see the hobbit-boy, take me to him."  
  
"What?"  
  
"That detestable creature which pestered me last night."  
  
"Your brother?"  
  
This shocked Legolas. That horrible thing was his brother? "No! Nevermind, I do not want to meet him after all, just take me home!"  
  
"I thought you said you wanted to go to school?"  
  
"Schooool? That is no school!"  
  
"Jocelyn!" the lady exclaimed in frustration.  
  
"Just take me away from here. Take me back where I was yesterday!"  
  
"Fine!" she said in exasperation, throwing her hands up in the air. "But if you start feeling bad, just page me, okay?"  
  
"What you?"  
  
"Page me, you know my number, right?" she asked, slipping into the driver's seat.  
  
"Thirty-two?"  
  
"No. I'll give it to you again, write this down. Do you have a pen? Here. Write this down: 214-555-0987. Got it?"  
  
Legolas had the pen in his hand, and he wrote down the random numbers on his palm. He did not know why he was doing so, but it just seemed like he should. Returning the pen to the lady, he looked out the window. It was a strange place. All these square, ugly, horrendous buildings, with sparse trees, and all the trees were unhealthy, stunted shrubs. He turned his attention to the woman, who was pushing levers and clicking buttons in the car. He cocked his head in wonder. Then, as she was pulling out of the garage, he clicked a button. It was the air conditioning button, and he immediately felt the small gust of wind coming from the miniature vents. It felt nice. Then he reasoned that if pushing buttons were good, then he should push all the buttons he wanted. The woman didn't seem to mind.  
  
What a strange horse, he thought, kind of stout, and ugly as well. I wonder what this is for… He put his hand on the gear shift and pulled it down to park. All of a sudden, the wheels halted and Legolas and the lady were jolted forward in an unreal shock. The car behind them skidded to a stop just inches from their bumper. Coooooooooooool…Legolas though to himself. The woman's eyes were wide open as she turned slowly to look at the perpetrator.  
  
"What…was…that?" she said, collecting her breath.  
  
"Wow! Let's do it again!" he said.  
  
"You almost got us killed! We could have flipped over or something! Oh…God…" she rubbed her hand over her face as a series of honks serenaded them behind her.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Whatever, let's just go, okay? Don't do that again. If you put your hand on the gear shift one more time, I'll…I'll…oh, whatever!" she gasped.  
  
"Okay," he murmured, and for the rest of the ride, he had to restrain himself from the incredible desire to put his hand on the gear shift and pull it again.  
  
"Okay, have a nice day," the woman said as she dropped him off in front of the school entrance. Legolas walked out without shutting the car door and followed the small stream of kids inside. He walked up the way he remember to his locker-house, and opened it, he was just about to attempt to crawl inside when he heard the familiar call of "Jobas." Turning swiftly, he encountered the familiar figure frolicking over to him. Lissette was following a little way behind, trying to pretend that she had nothing do with her two insane companions.  
  
"Hello," he said.  
  
"Yo," Alex replied absent-mindedly, "so, did you write any more of your story?"  
  
"What story?" he asked, highly upset that she was hindering him from squeezing into his locker-house.  
  
"You know, the one about Legolas, and Gandalf sends him here in your place and blah blah blah?" she specified.  
  
"You know Gandalf?" he asked, bewildered.  
  
"Uh…not personally…"  
  
"How did you hear of him?"  
  
"Didn't we go over this yesterday?" Lissette asked.  
  
All of a sudden, the bell rang, and a strange lady in a red dress and horrible leopard print shoes (Mrs. Kramer), began shoveling kids into their classes.  
  
"Oh, better go, the biznatch (bitch in Alex-talk) is coming. Do you want me to drop you off in history?" Alex asked.  
  
"History?"  
  
"Shit, not again, Jocelyn. What the fuck has been wrong with you lately? Oh well, whatever, nevermind, I'll talk to you later. Nice shoes, Mrs. Kramer," she smiled as the lady passed.  
  
"Get to class, both of you," she commanded.  
  
Lissette scampered off to her next class and Legolas followed her. Alex left to the restroom.  
  
"What are you doing?" asked Lissette, confused.  
  
"Following you."  
  
"You have history to go to. It's over here," she opened the door to the history room and gave Legolas a hearty shove into it.  
  
"You're late," Mrs. Cunningham said. Legolas recognized her as the lady that had been at the lunch table the other day, "just a few seconds more and you would have had to get a late slip."  
  
Legolas looked at her blankly, and after a few silent and awkward moments, decided to take a seat in the corner of the room. He had no books with him, so he twiddled him thumbs on the desk.  
  
"Okay, today, we're going to watch a short movie about the Spanish Inquisition. It was made in the 70's or 80's or something, but it's pretty good. It's got cheesy actors and everything, but it's good, you'll get all the necessary information," she said, as she stuck in a video into the VCR.  
  
"The Inquisition! What a show! The Inquisition!" the actors on the screen danced and sang to a parody of the Spanish Inquisition (it's a Mel Brooks parody called The History of the World, it's hilarious, it's got masturbating cave men and Caesars who can pull ducks from their asses; it's great). Everybody watched silently, but Legolas was amazed. He hopped up to the TV screen and stared straight at it, blocking everyone else's view.  
  
"Jocelyn, get down please," Mrs. Cunningham asked politely, "Jocelyn, get down."  
  
Legolas turned around to face the teacher and pointing at the screen he said, "They move."  
  
She nodded and motioned for him to sit down. He sat down dejectedly next to the VCR, but then amused himself playing with all the little knobs on the machine. He rewound the tape, fast forwarded it, paused it, and ejected it, all with a bewildered look on his face. Mrs. Cunningham walked up to him and told him quietly, "Jocelyn, please stop. We're trying to watch the video."  
  
"Vi-deeee-oh," he repeated, shamelessly.  
  
Mrs. Cunningham returned to her seat at the other side of the room and turned the movie back on.  
  
"The Inquisition—" it began, but never continued, because Legolas had unplugged the TV.  
  
Oh no! I've killed it! he thought to himself, and struggled to hide the plug by sitting on it, though it poked him unbearably from underneath.  
  
"Jocelyn, please step out of the room. Just until you can get a hold of yourself," Mrs. Cunningham said, sternly, but not meanly. Legolas trailed his feet as he walked out of the room. He found himself in the hallway again.  
  
Damn, it's hard to please royalty in this place. It was an accident, honest.  
  
Legolas trudged to his locker-house with a heavy heart. He tried to fit inside, but he found it was too small. What uncomfortable homes, he thought to himself as he took the books out and flung them out into the hallway to make more room. Finally, he had cleared the locker and he could fit, but not too comfortably. And that picture is really bothering me, he thought, so he tore it off, crumpled it, and tossed it out as well.  
  
There he remained for about thirty minutes, until he heard footsteps outside. Ugh, can't they tell I'm trying to get some sleep here? It was Alex. She had been walking down the hall and seen the unsightly chaos surrounding Legolas' locker-house; books, pictures, papers, locker shelves were all thrown about everywhere. She stepped around the mess and opened Jocelyn's locker. Anybody else would have screamed, but she merely sighed.  
  
"Jocelyn?" Legolas opened his eyes at the sound of the voice, it was Alex. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"May I return the question?" he said.  
  
"I cut class. What happened to you?" she asked.  
  
"I was obviously having too much fun with the 'TV.' The Queen banished me," he said, his heart heavy.  
  
"Um…that sounds really bad, but whatever. Were you watching the little Spanish Inquisition thing? I love that!" shouted Alex.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But, ahem, more importantly…why are you hiding inside your locker? And why did all hell break loose outside of it?" she looked down as she nearly tripped over a physics book.  
  
"I am tired, I would like to sleep now," he said, as if it were an everyday thing to tear apart your locker, hide inside of it, and expect to be able to fall asleep.  
  
"Okay, suit yourself," Alex said as she slammed the locker shut again. "Wait," she opened it once more, "this is too weird. What's going on?"  
  
Legolas stepped out of his locker-house. It was getting hot and uncomfortable. "Nothing, why?" he began piling his stuff back into his locker in no particular order or fashion.  
  
"If you keep that up, your locker will be messier than mine," Alex pointed out as Legolas stuffed Jocelyn's Lacrosse uniform between two pages of his history book.  
  
"Does it matter when I'm just going to take it out again?"  
  
"Seriously, Jocelyn. I can't tell if you're kidding or not. It's not funny anymore. At first it was funny so Lissette and I just humored you. We figured that it was just a phase, or you were on some desperate quest for attention…or maybe you had fallen down the stairs and gotten amnesia or something, but now I'm really worried. I mean, tell me the truth, what's wrong?" she handed Legolas his calculator and watched him cram it inside.  
  
"Do you really want to know?" Legolas shut his locker with a little shove to make it stick and turned to Alex. "I don't think you can handle the truth."  
  
" 'Handle the truth' my ass…"  
  
Legolas didn't understand the reference, but instead raised one eyebrow. "Hey!" Alex pointed out, "you can do the one eyebrow thing! Wait till I tell Lissette! I mean, ahem, I can handle the truth."  
  
"Well…I'm not exactly who you think I am. I know you think I'm Jocelyn, just your average, normal, girl—"  
  
"Haha! I mean…go on…"  
  
"but in truth…I'm actually Legolas."  
  
Alex blinked, staring silently at Legolas.  
  
"You see, Gandalf was going to try and help me escape from Saruman's clutches, and the only way he could accomplish that was if he sent me to another world to become a new person," Alex blinked, "and so, I don't know if I was supposed to actually take over somebody else's life, but here I am. I don't know anything about anything; about your strange wildlife, your ugly horses, and your horrible shrubs. I'm telling you, that's the truth!" Alex blinked, "You have to believe me. I don't know how to get back, but Gandalf said he would bring me back when the time was right. See, Saruman was going to turn me into an orc (for his own sick, twisted, perverse reasons), but Gandalf out-smarted him by sending me here. I don't dare to go back, for then my lovely body will be turned into orc form. And it is better to endure a few months living in this stunted body than to have my beautiful elven body (a very beautiful one, I may add) transformed into an orc body. I mean, have you seen their nails?" Alex blinked.  
  
"Oh…my…God…Jocelyn, that was the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever heard. You would have been better off saying your stepfather's great uncle's dog's veterinarian's roommate's plumber's prostitute's sister's second cousin-in-law died, and you have to move to Brazil and live in a fourteen storied shack wallpapered with pictures of Richard Nixon, with no running water, and a toilet made out of pink polka-dotted eggplants," Alex said.  
  
"My stepfather's great uncle's dog's veterinarian's roommate's plumber's prostitute's sister's second cousin-in-law died, and I have to move to Brazil and live in a fourteen storied shack wallpapered with pictures of Richard Nixon, with no running water, and a toilet made out of pink polka- dotted eggs," Legolas said, trying to cover up for his mistake.  
  
Alex blinked. "Eggplants," she corrected.  
  
"Like I said, you couldn't handle the truth!" Legolas said, infuriated.  
  
"But what kind of truth was that?!" she asked incredulously, "I mean, when I ask for the truth, I don't expect you to ramble on over some story about Gandalf and Saruman and orcs' nails!" Then, she turned to her friend suspiciously and said, "What have I told you about pigging out on those popsicles? Moderation, Jocelyn! Moderation!"  
  
"It's all true, I tell you! Why don't you believe me?" Then, to Alex's and his own amazement, Legolas sat down and began to cry.  
  
"Jocelyn?" Alex asked worriedly, "Jobas?"  
  
"And stop calling me by that repulsive nickname!" Legolas shouted amidst the tears. "My name is Legolas Greenleaf. I am prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil! Jobas is no name for one such as I! And Jocelyn isn't even my real name!"  
  
"Jocelyn…are you all right?" Alex questioned.  
  
"Legolas!"  
  
"Oh, right. Um…Legolas…if you really are Legolas…what you're telling me is kind of fucked up. Could you like…prove it or something? Cause I mean, you're telling me to believe that you are the guy I want to get in bed with," said Alex.  
  
"You want to get in bed with me?" Legolas raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well, not now! You're a girl! I mean, kinda. When you're back in your little elven body or whatever," shouted Alex in confusion.  
  
"Does that mean now I have to be attracted to men?" Legolas said dejectedly. Damn it.  
  
"Hell no! Not if I can help it!" shouted Alex. "Besides, having you one more day in Jocelyn's body (if you really are) will permanently ruin everything for me!"  
  
"How are we going to change me back? And what if Saruman catches me?"  
  
"Well…we'll just have to get rid of Saruman, too. And I don't know how we're gonna get you back. We'll think of something…" she frowned. "You know, I have a feeling this is a conspiracy you and Liz started just to confuse me and I bet you all are gonna laugh about this afterwards!"  
  
"I swear on my father's life that it is all true. Why would I lie about this?"  
  
"I dunno. I guess it could be true. You've been acting like a dumbass, talking so fucked-uppedly that I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't really Jocelyn anyway. Anyway, if it's all true then, we've got to get Jocelyn back, because you're fucking up her life," explained Alex.  
  
"And besides, once she's become an orc in my body back in Middle-Earth, there's no way I'm giving her body back." 


	5. The Lacrosse Game

Chapter V  
  
The Lacrosse Game  
  
Legolas stood in the middle of the field with a lacrosse stick in his hand. He had it gripped on the wrong end and was swinging it back and forth, chewing on the mouth guard in his mouth. It was a sunny day, it felt good to be outside, though he didn't know exactly what for.  
  
"Jocelyn, get over here!" Coach Berenson shouted, with the wave of an arm. He trotted over.  
  
"Okay, girls. We're going to take four laps around the field. When you're done, choose someone to lead stretches, and then do some quick-stick. The ESD girls will be here in like twenty minutes," she instructed.  
  
Almost immediately, all the girls began to run laps around the field. Legolas looked around and followed. He had had no clue what the lady was talking about. ESD? Quick-stick?  
  
Oh well, he thought, if all we're doing is running, I shall be fine. He ran swiftly, and before long, even though he had started after everyone else, he found himself about a lap ahead of everyone. Even though in his elven body the muscles in his legs had been well-toned, he had practiced so much endurance in Middle-Earth that running a mile was no big deal to him. He finished almost two and a half laps before everybody else, and even though he was exhausted and his breathing was quick and irregular, he finally felt good. At last he had accomplished something.  
  
After a few moments, the whole team was done with their warm-up. They grabbed their lacrosse sticks, a ball, and a partner, and began to throw back and forth to one another. A girl named Rome walked up to him with her stick and a ball and asked if he would like to be partners. He nodded, and looked around for a stick. Grabbing the closest one to him, he followed her. She threw the ball to him. He stuck out his stick with the net facing the wrong direction and shouted in dismay as it hit him in the forehead.  
  
"Hey!" he shouted, scooping up the ball awkwardly like he saw the others do. Rome was laughing. What is this? Some sort of weapon? He examined the ball and stick for a few seconds before aiming and throwing with all his strength. The ball hit Rome in the shoulder.  
  
"Ow! What was that for?" she asked, rubbing her shoulder.  
  
"I win!" he shouted, doing a leap into the air.  
  
"Stop it! You're not supposed to hit me, you know. It's called 'catching' and 'throwing,' " she explained sarcastically.  
  
"Right…I knew that." He braced himself for her throw. His quick reflexes allowed him to catch it with no problem whatsoever. After about five minutes or so, he saw another group of girls walk onto the field. They had on different uniforms and blue skirts.  
  
"Who are they?" Legolas asked Rome.  
  
"I think that's ESD," she peered to get a better look.  
  
"ESD?"  
  
"Yeah, I think so. The team looks bigger though, I mean—" she was interrupted by the coach.  
  
"Girls! Get over here. Okay, here are the positions for today's game…" then she continued to list the entire team and their positions. Legolas was playing right attack wing. Right attack wing? he pondered.  
  
"Excuse me, ma'am?" he asked the coach. "What is right attack wing?"  
  
"Jocelyn…haven't you learned anything? It's right there," she pointed to a place on the field. He made a slight bow and ran off. He positioned himself in the right place and mimicked everybody else's positions. He watched in silent curiosity as two girls in the center began the draw. Once the ball left their sticks, the entire field began to move.  
  
What sort of monstrosity is this? Why are they carrying that ball? And why are the other people trying to take it from them? And why is that girl hitting that girl's stick with her stick? Is it…no…it couldn't be, they're only little girls…I mean, we. But…maybe. I think it is. This is war!  
  
And with that solemn thought, he ran off to help his allies. I supposed we're trying to gain possession of that ball object. He sprinted off after the enemy with the ball, and it was not long before he was right beside her. He hit her stick and watched eagerly as the ball dropped from her possession. He scooped it up and ran in the opposite direction she was. He ran…and ran…and ran…nobody could keep up with him, so he ran all the way…all the way back to the PE building. Everybody back on the field stared at him silently, too surprised to laugh, even though laughter was on the tips of their tongues. They watched his diminishing figure as he ran towards the gym. The referee, in frustration, followed him.  
  
Legolas brought the ball back to the locker room and hid in the restroom. I wonder what this ball does. I mean, it is just a ball, it has to do something special. Perhaps if I break it, there might be something inside. He used all his strength to hit it against the ground, only to be shocked that it bounced back up, hit the ceiling, and bounced into the toilet. Only…he didn't know it was a toilet, because you see, elves do not have the luxury of bathroom facilitations or modern plumbing for that either. He stuck his head over it to get a better look. He leaned on the toilet as he began to reach inside for the ball. Unfortunately, the place he was leaning on was the handle to flush it. It began to flush. Legolas jumped back, frightened out of his wits.  
  
"Aggghhh!" he screamed as the toilet began to overflow (the lacrosse ball had messed up the toilet, obviously). It flooded around his feet. "For the love of Elrond!" He pushed the handle again in a futile attempt to "turn it off." When he saw no improvement, he pushed it again, and again, and again, and again; and that's how the referee found him: surrounded in a shallow puddle of toilet water, screaming, and flushing the toilet incessantly.  
  
"Stop it! Stop! Now! What are you doing? And stop that infernal screaming! Stop it I say! What's wrong with you?" she commanded.  
  
"Are you going to stand there and yell at me, or are you going to help?!" he grabbed his lacrosse stick and began shoving it into the toilet.  
  
"I'm getting your coach," the referee said, obviously scared at his strange actions: screaming while attacking the toilet with a lacrosse stick.  
  
"Fine! Run away! Be forever branded as a coward!" Legolas shouted at her retreating back. It was not a minute later, when he saw the janitor come in.  
  
"Oh my God…let me get that. You can't plunge it with a lacrosse stick!" she began speaking in rapid Spanish. She took a plunger and began plunging the toilet. Legolas wiped his forehead.  
  
"Whew! Since it is obvious that you have this under control, I shall leave. I must say this is quite tiring," he gave a little bow to her and left. When the referee returned with the coach, all they saw was the janitor plunging the toilet, Legolas was not present.  
  
Legolas wandered around for a few moments, looking for his locker-house. All of a sudden he ran into Alex.  
  
"Jobas! I mean, Legolas, damn that's weird. You're coming to my house, remember? Or were you grounded?" she walked up to him.  
  
"I…don't…know."  
  
"Well, get your stuff…oh wait…you didn't bring your stuff, did you?" she sighed. "Oh well, we'll find some stuff when you get there. Lissette is already in the car. I'm surprised your game ended so early. What happened?"  
  
Legolas was still breathing hard. "I am not sure…ball…stick…water…lots of water."  
  
"Right…"  
  
They walked off to her car and got inside. Lissette was sitting inside, reading her book, The Tales of Jack the Ripper. Legolas glanced at it. What a morbid name…Jack the Ripper.  
  
Alex turned to Lissette. "Okay, there's something important we need to tell you, but we can't say it here. You've got to promise to listen to us through before asking any questions. It's a crazy story, but you've got to listen. Okay?" 


End file.
